Forgiveness- Day 13 of the Self-care Challenge

I’ve talked about quitting my job last year a lot and on multiple platforms. But I haven’t really said aloud (or written out) what sparked it. And I haven’t really healed that hurt. I realize now that it’s holding me back. The anger I’m feeling and bitterness directed at Powell’s and the people who hurt me isn’t doing me any good.

There’s one person who I feel hurt me the most in this situation and I think I’m ready to forgive them. They probably don’t feel like they need to be forgiven or even realize I’ve been holding onto this for over a year. Well, I’m not doing this for them. I’m doing this for me. I am forgiving them so I can let it go.

*When I quit, I decided not to go back and work my 2 week notice. We packed up the kids and went to the beach instead.*

I’ll never forget it and I learned from what happened. But, I think it’s time.

Dear You,

You’ll never read this which is fine because it’s for me and whoever needs to see it.

I forgive you.

I was so angry and hurt by you breaking my trust. I thought you were my friend and felt that you were one of my last safe people at Powell’s. I realize now that we weren’t actually friends and it came with a heavy cost.

I wish you’d never said that we were basically the same person. I wish that you’d never pointed out all the things we had in common… both Virgos… both middle children from big families… with our own kids who are close in age… with similar personalities… and us sharing the same interests. I wish we never vented our frustrations with each other about the idiotic movements happening behind the scenes at Powell’s (this is what made me trust you, btw).

But most of all, I wish you were honest with me and communicated that, hey, we aren’t actually friends. Because you never said one word to me about it. We joked around every single day and “trolled” each other (your word, not mine) about how we would make each other’s lives harder at work. I didn’t think you really meant it. I was so very wrong.

Instead of talking to me or even going to your direct supervisor, you went to HR. And not just a random HR person. You went to the one everyone hates. The one who makes fun of people for not being able to breathe when the air quality gets bad in Portland. The one who has made it absolutely clear that she isn’t there to help the employees, she’s there to protect The Company.

Being called into an “investigation” the day before my birthday, having to hear that a person I trusted with my fears essentially told HR I was threatening him… to say it hurt is an understatement.

I hated you for so long. But stupid things still remind me of you and how I thought we were friends. Manatees. Blade Runner. Going boxing. Rolly chairs on concrete. Seeing a cool stuffed animal and wondering if your daughter would like it as much as Ellie would. I miss it. And I’m mad it’s gone. I’m even madder that maybe the friendship wasn’t real in the first place.

God, I wish you had said something.

With a deep breath, I forgive you. I’m letting go of the anger and in its place is a sadness and regret that I hope never gives rise to hatred again.

I’m in a better place. What’s stupid is all the things I accomplished in the last year, I wanted to share the wins with you. Because you always understood how it felt. That was probably a lie too…

I hope you’re also in a better place. I hope you found some happiness and contentment.

I learned a lot from what happened and I will never forget it.

Forgiveness will allow me to heal. Being angry for over a year is awful and I do not recommend.

I don’t know how to end a letter that a person will never read so…

Goodbye,
Rose